Relationships are the most confusing, yet the most sought after element of our human existence. You know just a few days ago my roommate asked me what kind of music I listened to, I told her my favorites; Country, Pop, Oldies, Spanish, R&B and SOME hip-hop/ rap. Of course she was like ” OH!” and then she said, “Girl you gotta get outta the 90’s, blah, blah, blah”. Now I knew she meant no harm behind her comment but I did bring me back to my last relationship. It brought me back to how the last guys I dated seemed to always be “Playing a role”. Him always trying to come off as the cool guy, the guy that did what he was supposed to do at the age he was (24 ugh). You know those people? The people who constantly “try” to be what they think society thinks is cool.
This guy I dated was someone special, he was a first in my life; in a lot of things but he was not the special one for me. I figured that out when he in layman’s terms tried to put me in a box. Of course this was not a physical box but a metaphorical one. He tried to make me feel different (as if it was a bad thing) because of the music I listened to, the shows/ movies I watched, the books I read, the beliefs I believed in. All in all he tried to make me feel small. He tried to break up a part of myself I’ve worked on closing for years and years. BUT he caught me at a particularly confident time in my life. A time when I realized what was happening and could confront him on it. So I did.
After that we tried to work on things but you know? sometimes things aren’t meant to be for too long. It was a good thing that we broke up. Sometimes I’ll miss those good times we had and I will never forget his place in my life but it was all for the best when it ended. He wasn’t the guy for me. He didn’t see me; truly see ME. I realized I didn’t want just the mundane kind of relationship just going with the motions, with the flow or whatever kind of expression I can come up with. He was not my equal and I wasn’t his. Those people are still out there for us.
This brings me to this post, Relationships? What have I learned & what I’m doing differently. Well, I wasn’t always the perfect girlfriend either. I made mistakes and a lot of them rooted from my own insecurities. Insecurities preventing me from showing too many emotions, emotions that would allow people and in this case me ex. To hurt me. I thought if I acted as if all the little things that annoyed the SHIT out of me didn’t annoy the shit out of me in front of him I would feel more comfortable and strong. He hurt me with his words & comments but I’ve prepared to handle myself in situations like this, like I was not phased; although I was.
Now months later, I’ve grown and I’ve realized a couple of millions of things about life, love, and myself. I won’t get into the millions of things but I can say now I am opening myself up more emotionally. I know what I want in my next relationship or relationships and I know I’ll only experience something REAL if I open up to all the possibilities.
I want to let someone love me and care for me. I don’t want to always walk around with a chip on my shoulder thinking there may be some bigger agenda planned out. I want to feel strong enough to let someone special in and not overthink every. single. thing. as if I could control it.
All in all relationships are tricky but we all still want to find one that doesn’t confuse us completely. I’ve learned from my mistakes and going forward I’ll try not to make as many. On to the next and so far it’s looking good.
Till next time,
This post is in collaboration with Clothink. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
Photos By: Dawn Elizabeth